The actual book is a very brief 79 pages. The special edition additionally includes 20 pages of photos and posthumous tributes to Audre Lorde, who died of liver cancer in 1992. I am reviewing only the content written by Audre Lorde; I admit I did not read all the tributes that followed.
Audre Lorde was a black lesbian feminist poet. Her writing is at times poetic or edgy. It's important to keep in mind that this book was written in 1978, and the landscape of breast cancer detection, treatment, and prognosis has changed significantly since then; genetics as a factor in the occurrence of breast cancer was not yet known at the time. She advocated for going flat after a mastectomy, and was against wearing prostheses. She was sometimes skeptical of the medical establishment, and she supported exploring alternative therapies.
The book started out non-linearly. On page 26, Audre Lorde began to tell her story narratively.
One speech reprinted in this book was given after Audre Lorde had surgery for what ultimately turned out to be a benign growth, before she was diagnosed with breast cancer and had to undergo a mastectomy. Her speaking at this point in time is powerful. Many women experience the fear of breast cancer, and are thankfully spared. Their experiences and voices are valid in conversations about breast cancer. For every woman with breast cancer, the path began with that fear of suddenly becoming "forcibly and essentially aware of [your own] mortality" (p. 17), and a hope to be spared.
I don't think I would automatically recommend this book for anyone diagnosed with breast cancer and undergoing a mastectomy, but it's certainly worth a read if you have been diagnosed and are working through emotions, or are considering going flat. Reconstruction was still a relatively new post-mastectomy procedure back in 1978, but it's no surprise (given her feelings on prostheses) that she referred to it as an "atrocity". (p. 70) If you've already decided to go flat, this book can be a strong affirmation of your decision.
This book was a very personal read for me, so the rest of this space I will use to identify quotes that were especially meaningful to me, and why.
"These selected journal entries... exemplify the process of integrating this crisis [of breast cancer and mastectomy] into my life." (p. 8)
Having cancer is not a "phase". It's not something you "get over" or "put behind you". Being diagnosed with breast cancer and undergoing a mastectomy changes you forever. The non-existence of your breasts is a constant, daily reminder. There's always a chance the cancer will return, and you live with that "background noise of fear" (p. 12) and anxiety for the rest of your life.
"[W]hat is most important to me must be spoken...the speaking profits me, beyond any other effect." (p. 17)
Well, I'm glad Audre Lorde spoke, because her speaking profited me, too. As a woman with breast cancer recovering from a double mastectomy without reconstruction and having a whole lot to process, reading this book assured me that I am not alone. So much of what she wrote - about fear, mortality, self-identity, pain (both physical and emotional), even the feeling of support when showered with the care and concern of others - resonated with me personally, even as the details of her experiences differed from mine.
"Once I accept the existence of dying, as a life process, who can ever have power over me again?" (p. 24)
Variations of this sentiment were repeated a few times throughout the book. Being diagnosed with cancer means being forced to face your mortality. It's just a really powerful idea that once you face the very real possibility of death, everything else is put into perspective.
"I am a post-mastectomy woman who believes our feelings need voice in order to be recognized, respected, and of use." (p. 7)
"I am also writing to...[set] down my artifacts, not only for later scrutiny, but also to be free of them. I do not wish to be free from their effect... but free from having to carry them around in a reserve part of my brain." (p. 54)
These words echoed my own feelings of why I decided to keep a blog about my breast cancer experience. The "of use" part is why I made my blog public; I hope my experiences can help support and reassure another woman in her time of uncertainty, anxiety, and fear.
"[The] socially sanctioned prosthesis is merely another way of keeping women with breast cancer silent and separate from each other." (p. 14)
"Prosthesis offers the empty comfort of 'Nobody will know the difference.' But it is that very difference which I wish to affirm, because I have lived it, and survived it, and wish to share that strength with other women... [W]omen with mastectomies must become visible to each other." (p. 62)
1 in 8 women will eventually be diagnosed with breast cancer, but you wouldn't know that by looking around you. There is a whole sisterhood of potential support for one another, but we don't know who has borne the burden of breast cancer because we try to hide the evidence of having been through it. I get it. Social norms are hard to go against. Women are "supposed" to have breasts. But what if we could recognize our warrior sisters on sight? I think it would be empowering. Of course it's a very personal decision whether or not to get reconstruction, and if not, then whether or not to wear prostheses. I have chosen no reconstruction, and I'm not sure yet where I'll end up regarding prostheses, but certainly this book has inspired me to more boldly embrace being flat, and has reassured me of the power and peace of not wearing prostheses.
I think it's worth noting that while Audre Lorde doesn't spend a lot of time reassuring women who do choose to wear prostheses, she does say that prostheses "can still serve a real function for the woman who is free enough to choose when and why she wears one or not." (p. 68) She was not completely against prostheses; what bothered her was how much immediately wearing a prosthesis was considered the normal, default thing to do, and how it was a way for women to reclaim their "old selves" before even allowing them the time and space and opportunity to get to know and love their new selves, sans breast.
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